Being a Modern Dad in the Digital Age

June, 2010

Modern Dad

Table of Contents

Introduction

Being a father is something that most men cherish.  Reminiscing about clapping at his daughter’s first ballet recital or high-fiving his son after a little league game will be among most dads’ favorite memories.  When those cute kids start exploring their world and socializing with their peers, another facet of parenting is introduced into the father-child relationship.

For today’s father, helping their children learn to socialize in the real world is not the only matter to address when teaching their kids how to make friends.  Preparing his children to socialize responsibly on the Internet is standard on the list of fatherly responsibilities these days. This article will examine the evolving role of fatherhood and what it means to protect your family.

The Traditional Father: Provider and Protector

Sixty years later, and Ward Cleaver is still the standard by which most Americans measure a good father.  Ward was the family provider and protector, always standing ready with an encouraging word and reassuring touch.  June, the doting domestic goddess was ready with a band-aid and kiss for all those elbow ouchies.  Each family member had a clear role and responsibilities, and expectations of each were so well engrained, they did not need to be spoken.

It seemed as though soothing the wounds of growing pains was easy, too.  Sharing a story about his childhood bully… you know, how everyone grew up and gained perspective, and now everything is fine…was an effective way to assuage his child’s fears. Even teaching his child how to stay safe when it came to strangers: “Don’t take candy from someone you don’t know”, “Tell me if a strange car repeatedly drives by the house”…the traditional father was able to offer tangible examples and clear rules that were easy for kids grasp and practice.

Fast Forward: Postmodern PaPa

Parenting in postmodern America is a dramatic departure from the picture-perfect suburban paradise in which the Cleavers lived. Even the hard and fast rules about dad being the primary provider and mom as domestic guru have shifted.  A finding in a 2008 report released by the Families and Work Institute showed that “attitudes about women’s and men’s work and family roles have changed”, and more specifically that “views about appropriate work and family roles have converged to a point where they are virtually identical”[1].

Dads are faced with the unique challenge of raising children in a global digital culture, not just American culture.  The integration of the Internet into our lives has made the world a smaller, more accessible place for younger generations to discover and explore.  It is just as easy (and free) for kids in America to have a video chat with someone in Timbuktu as it is for them to place a call to their best friend.

Today, the childhood bullies are cyber bullies, sending taunting messages and texts to their targets.  And the strangers?  They are not offering candy and taking slow rides through different neighborhoods.  They are hanging out in chat rooms and sending messages on social networking sites.  So how does dad help his kids navigate these ‘rites of passage’ into early adolescents and beyond?

Daddying in the Digital Age

It seems that fathers are ahead of the curve when it comes to providing guidance and support concerning their kids’ online activities.  In an April 2010 survey conducted by Yahoo! and Ipsos OTX, it was found that:

“71% of dads (compared to 63% of moms) say they are taking at least one action to help manage their children’s online behavior including having conversations about respecting the privacy of others and checking their children’s privacy settings. — More dads than moms have had a conversation with their children about their digital reputations and how to promote a positive online reputation” [2].

Taking an interest about your child’s online activity and staying engaged through conversation is probably the most important step a father can take when it comes to protecting their children online.  Consistent communication establishes a strong foundation of trust, and dads can find out not only what their kids are doing online, but where they are doing it, and potentially with whom.

Protecting their children online has even inspired some fathers to invent ways to safeguard their children when perusing the Internet.  In 2006, a Glasgow father developed a digital ID card for chat room users after he discovered that his daughter only knew 50 of the 150 people on her buddy list [3]. Michael P. Clark and Geoffrey Argonne developed the idea for SafetyWeb after noting how well documented and easy to find the dubious behavior of college applicants was online.  As fathers of young children, they realized they had to address issues of good judgment online reputation with their children before they became teens, and that there had to be a better system to monitor activity than logging onto each social networking site separately.

What You Do Matters

Teens’ have different ideas than their parents when it comes to attitudes about privacy.  Parents must understand that “Teenagers will freely give up personal information to join social networks on the Internet. Afterwards, they are surprised when their parents read their journals” [4].  Knowing that this paradoxical thinking exists in the teenaged mind can be helpful to parents, specifically that there are things dads can do to change that thinking.

A 2008 study revealed that parents’ influence affects their teens’ views on privacy protection online.  Taking the time to mediate conversations, and encouraging your child to develop critical thinking skills will greatly increase the likelihood of their taking the time to weigh the consequences of their words and actions online [5].

Kids also pay attention to what their parents do online.  If you are a single father exploring the world of online dating, chances are you children are paying attention to the types of photos you are posting on your profile.

Even the most innocuous photos posted by parents who want to share family moments can be taken and manipulated for reasons completely unintended by the person who originally posted the photo [6].

Be Aware: Tips for Protecting Your Children Online

Setting a good example for your teen and being a good online citizen is the best way to demonstrate how you expect your child to behave online. Here are some things every father can do to be a good representative of online conduct:

-Keep private information private.  Stay consistent with the information you discuss around your home and regard as private.  Do not share intimate details about financial information, family medical issues or difficult emotional burdens you have endured as a family, or individually, online.

-Monitor your time online.  Self-regulate the amount of time you spend online and strike a healthy balance between your own leisure activities online, and business and work activities conducted while at home during hours allotted for family activities.

-Get to know terms of use and your privacy rights for the sites you use.  As a parent, it is helpful for you to know what you can do to protect yourself and your family on all the various sites you use. While your child may not embrace this activity until they become older, it is more likely they will do it if they see you do it.

Setting a good example is not the only thing you can do to protect your children online.  As they mature and grow older, your kids will become more independent and expect to engage in some online activities unsupervised.  Here are some tips to keep you kids safe online:

-Get to know some of the lingo.  This article is brief, but gives an overview of some things kids text each other and what they mean.  Other sites like this one contain a more comprehensive list of abbreviations people use to express themselves in cyber space.

-Surf the Internet with Your Child. Taking a few hours a week to surf the Internet with your child allows you time to bond with them.  It also affords you the opportunity time to discover your child’s online habits and teach them in real-time the appropriateness of the content they are viewing online.  Whether they are looking at funny videos or a bullying text from one of their classmates, you can teach them to the correct way to respond to the content, and help them develop coping skills.

While tone and inflection do not always translate in online communications (like email and texting), intent is conveyed loud and clear.  The more time one spends online or immersed in negative or dysfunctional behavior, the more ‘normal’ it can seem.  Make sure your child is able to make an emotional connection to their activity and the activity of others online.

-Check in With Your Child and Have Frequent Conversations About What’s Hot on the ‘Net. Hot activities, like social networking and location-based apps can be fun and help your child learn how to socialize. But they can also take up a lot of time, and lead to Internet addiction and leave your child vulnerable to cyber bullies.  Have discussion with your child about balancing their online activities with real-life activities, and to protect their privacy and online reputation.

Also, educate yourself about the applications your child is using.  Make sure you understand the privacy policies and information-sharing implications of the activities your child is involved in on the ‘net.

-Talk to Your Child About Positive Things They Can Do Online. There are a lot of activities one can do online.  A recent survey has found that many teens use the Internet to cure their boredom and become involved in positive activities online rather than engage in risky behavior.  Whether its blogging about their extra-curricular activities, or creating an original trailer for one of their favorite movies, the Internet offers an environment where kids and teens can develop hobbies and hone some digital skills.

Encourage your child to use the information and tools available on the Internet to develop hobbies, enhance their skill-set and expand their world.

- Before Giving Your Child a Digital Device, Set Standards and Ground Rules for Use.

If you feel its time for your teen to have their own cell phone, laptop or digital camera, set some ground rules for use.  Whether you are able to control the number of minutes on a cell phone, block certain callers or limit the number and nature of apps they use, it is important that your teen understands not all digital products and activities are meant for them to use.

As your child uses their devices responsibly and matures, allow them more privileges.  Rewarding good behavior is just as important as setting and enforcing restrictions.

Remember that online interaction is only one facet of ways people socialize and interact.  The best gift any parent or father can give is spending time with his children.

References

[1] Galinsky, Ellen; Aumann, Kerstin; Bond, James T.  Times are Changing  Gender and Generation at Work and Home.  2008 http://familiesandwork.org/site/research/reports/Times_Are_Changing.pdf

[2] Yahoo! Gives Parents a B+ for Taking Action to Protect Children Online. 10 June 2010
www.forbes.com/feeds/businesswire/2010/06/10/businesswire140890463.html

[3] Elliot, Valerie. Father designs ID card to protect children in internet chat rooms.  3 August 2006 www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article698286.ece

[4] Barnes, Susan B. The Privacy Pardox: Social Networking in the United States. 15 August 2006
http://firstmonday.org/htbin/cgiwrap/bin/ojs/index.php/fm/article/view/1394/1312

[5] Youn, Seounmi. Parental Influence and Teens’ Attitude Toward Online Privacy Protection. 2 October 2008
www.redorbit.com/news/technology/1575192/parental_influence_and_teens_attitude_toward_online_privacy_protection/

[6] Family Christmas Photo Shows Up in Czech Ad. 10 June 2009
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31214408

Resources

My Dad ‘N Me
www.mydadnme.com/index.php

Great Dad.com
www.greatdad.com

Dad Trends
http://dadtrends.com

National Center for Fathering
www.fathers.com

The Father’s Network
www.fathersnetwork.org

Top SafetyWeb Resources

Online Privacy

Top Websites for Teens

Cyber Bullying

Sex Offenders Info